Severus Snape's Wedding
by Eolande
Summary: Lupin is the object of Tonk's unrequieted love, Hermione is the object of Snape's hatred. Harry & co. have too much time on their hands. What will happen to a sham wedding gone real, and how did Snape become the party planner?
1. In Which A Party Is Planned

_In Which a Party is Planned_

_-or-_

_The Invitation_

Disclaimer: I own nothing pertaining to Harry Potter or the related words, characters, etc. that encompass it.

Author's Note: The second rewrite of SSW! I'll be quick this time, I swear!

Nymphadora Tonks was, for once, ordinary. The white cardigan and blue skirt that would have looked lovely on any other young woman in her mid-twenties made her an almost unrecognizable figure to both her friends and colleagues, though her family was used to it. This was because Nymphadora, who preferred to the moniker 'Tonks' and would physically enforce this preference, was a witch. But far from being the average witch, ignorant about Muggle, or non-magical, culture, Tonks was a half-blood and fully comfortable in the clothes customary to both worlds. Had she had a permanent residence at that point in her life, her closets would probably have contained an equal amount of skirts, trousers, and blouses as robes of the casual and work varieties. But, since she had no house and therefore no closet, all her worldly possessions were at that moment shrunk to fit in a magical trunk or stored at her parents' home, where she often made use of the Muggle washing machine that even her pureblood mother, Andromeda, had developed a dependency on. However, by far, the most unusual thing about Tonks was she had been born with a strange magical gift: she was a Metamorphmagus. This unusual gift allowed her to change her appearance at will, and she had made full use of this gift in the past, often sporting unusual hair and skin colourings, her favourite hair colour being bubblegum pink.

This ability had been a bit of a trial to her parents in her young days. In fact, when she had been an infant and had no control over her powers, she had randomly changed appearances, often looking like other people's children and generally creating havoc. When she had been born in early 1973, the hospital staff had been so perplexed over the small porcelain skinned, blue-eyed, downy haired baby's transformation to a chubby, ruddy, green-eyed, bald infant that they had ordered six blood tests before pronouncing the baby a Metamorphmagus.

The troubles had changed over the years to hilarity, with the ten-year old Tonks playing tricks on her friends and family as she masqueraded as other children. Needless to say, she had exploited her abilities to get her out of trouble on numerous occasions, often unsuccessfully trying to land the blame on her three year old cousin, Draco Malfoy, who she detested as a matter of principle from the day he was born. The two cousins saw each other very infrequently, only at Ministry of Magic functions, but Tonks was often apt to assume the young boy's appearance and toddle around biting important people's legs. It had always been a sore point with Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy that some of Lucius' most influential colleagues would always remember their pureblood son as simply a small blond boy with very sharp teeth.

But, upon the arrival of Tonks' adolescence, her ability had taken a different use. Unhappy with her "rather regular looks," which free from enchantment were a pretty but unremarkable heart-shaped face, dark eyes, and light brown hair, Tonks sought to carve out a niche for herself in the brutal world of adolescent hierarchy. No longer was she playing tricks; she was making statements and impressing boys. No look was too fantastic or wild for her: the different roles her body could play helped her to escape the tension and uncertainty that plagued her childhood and still shadowed her adolescence. A great and terrible Dark Wizard, who called himself Lord Voldemort, but whose name was never spoken, had arisen some years before her birth preaching hatred and intolerance of non-magical people, Muggleborns, and Half-blood witches and wizards. With a group of fanatical devotees called the Death Eaters, the Dark Mark of a skull and snake was seen hovering above the homes of both the "inferior" and those who opposed his cause.

Tonks had memories of being four years old and terrified, crouched in the basement with her parents, hoping that a charm of invisibility would hold. Her mother had seen strange shapes in the night and was fearful for their lives: in the eyes of her family, she was a blood traitor. Andromeda's sister Bellatrix was a Death Eater, her cousin Regulus had been too, but had died soon after joining: they were as brutal to their own as to their enemies. Only her cousin Sirius had stayed true to the side of light and little Tonks loved him. Tonks called him her cousin, because he was only thirteen years older than she was and she loved to snuggle on his lap and hear stories about his time at Hogwarts: the great feasts, the ghosts, the silly things that he and his friends had done. Once, she even met his friends Remus and James and Peter and was promptly silenced with awe: she had never met so many big kids who were willing to talk to her. But this had made the murder of James and Lily all the more terrifying: Andromeda was never really willing to believe that her young cousin whose loyalty to James and love of his godson Harry was physically tangible, whose devotion to his cousin's young daughter was uncommon for one his age, could betray them all. But she had stayed silent. Now she was in danger on two fronts, as a blood traitor to the remaining Death Eaters and as a harbourer of a traitor to those victorious.

The only children Tonks ever saw were the Weasleys. Charlie Weasley was her age and Bill Weasley was two years older. Even at the ages of seven and nine, these three children spent many days quietly playing, (Being quiet was very important, it did not do to draw attention to yourself.) as their worried parents whispered in hushed tones about who was dead and who was missing. From a very young age, this left Tonks convinced she would become an Auror, to fight for the side of good. When Bill Weasley left for Hogwarts when she was nine, and baby Percy was finally old enough to have fun with, suddenly the man who had overshadowed her childhood was gone. In an act of sacrifice, Lily Potter had refused to stand aside to see her son killed and in her death had shielded him with her love. Voldemort's killing curse had not been able to penetrate this love-shield and he had been destroyed.

But far from rejoicing, Tonks was sad. Her favourite cousin, Sirius, had been the Potter's secret keeper and their deaths meant that Sirius had betrayed them all! Sirius was hunted down by the Aurors and sentenced to life in Azkaban, murdering his friend Peter Pettigrew and a street full of Muggles in the midst of evading capture. _So,_ the young girl thought, _Remus is the only one left of the happy boys who'd play with me._ And this saddened her on many levels that she was really too young to understand.

But children grow up, and by the time that she and Charlie were to enter Hogwarts, things had settled enough that the Tonks family were not well liked, but no longer shunned. This child-Tonks, a precocious thing of eleven, had quickly integrated herself into the Hogwarts cliques – something as complicated and murky as the lake outside. Her ability to change herself left her at both an advantage and disadvantage: while any group could be persuaded to like her, a large following of males regularly sent her pinups of the Muggle and Wizarding varieties with hopes she would make them the girlfriend of their dreams. Tonks, as a matter of principle, ignored them all. But then along came Charlie Weasley, when Tonks was 16 and Charlie and just returned from a summer job in Russia at a sanctuary for endangered magical creatures. Tonks had promptly lost her heart and her sense, and only a furious lecture from Andromeda had put her back on the path of pursuing her career in Magical Law Enforcement.

The years had passed quickly and now Tonks was a qualified Auror, albeit a highly dissatisfied one. One of the few women in her field, she had steadily grown sick of being the nominal woman in both the Order of the Phoenix and the Auror Department and had sought to make herself both androgynous and distinctive at the same time. She shrunk into her outlandish hairstyles and clothes to hide a bored and lonely woman. As much as she'd never admit it, Tonks longed for the kind of life her dear friend Charlie Weasley was living now, the kind that brought the letter to her hands.

It seemed that Charlie and Helena, a Portuguese witch who Charlie had met when he was transferred to a dragon rehabilitation program in her county, were finally going through with the wedding they'd been talking about for three years. Helena, a teacher in a school for deaf witches and wizards, was the type of woman Tonks longed to be: confident in her own body, sure of her talents, and not afraid to tell the world what she wanted. Sighing, Tonks pulled out the reply card for the wedding and managed to put aside her own feelings of discontent to be happy for her friend. As she mailed the card, she opened a second piece of mail: Ginny Weasley was throwing the happy couple an engagement party which was neutrally addressed to friends of the bride, groom, and bride and groom's families. Her first instinct was to reply her willingness to bring food, a confirmed date when it was available and whether or not Helena had set up a bridal registry. She folded up the letter and set it on her mother's counter to mail at the post office when she left, as she had come to do her washing.

However, not long into the spin cycle, she began mulling over the guest list in her head: Of course, all the clan will be there, and Charlie's friends from work, Helena's sister and brothers, possibly some friends of the family like Harry and Hermione, and… wait, friends of the family? It couldn't be… Suddenly Nymphadora gathered up her laundry not caring which parts were dry or clean and hurried out of the house intent on getting as quickly as possible to a shopping centre, with a very important party in mind.


	2. In Which Misery and Parties Meet

_In Which Misery and Parties Meet_

_-or-_

_Nymphadora's_ _Disaster_

Disclaimer: I own nothing pertaining to the Harry Potter universe. I am simply playing with them for my own personal enjoyment.

A scant hour later found Tonks enjoying lunch (her treat) with her confidence coach, Carole, never dreaming that this woman would propose such extreme changes for her. Carole was a petite brunette who had the slightest hint of a Dutch accent, and one of the nicest Muggles Tonks had ever met, her Father and his family excepted, of course. Tonks' nerves were high and her discomfort showed. Carole was and understanding woman though, and knew that Nymphadora was a wealthy eccentric young woman who needed a little guidance in the ways of adulthood – especially when it came to dressing to be noticed, searching for a man, and exuding inner confidence. Besides, at the salary she earned she could afford to be called on such late notice.

"…And as I was sayin'-"

"No, Dora, it's saying, stress that 'g', not sayin'. There is something incredibly beautiful about a cultured woman and proper grammar goes a long way with the public."

"Sorry, Carole."

"You know, I've always wondered how you ended up with such confidence issues. Your family is incredibly well off, you're beautiful and yet you seem to hide in yourself."

"Well, my Mum's family never really approved of my Dad. They're quite well-off, and they're an older family. He wasn't really of her social world and they could never accept him, or me. Naturally, they forbid her to marry him, so they eloped. I've never been well liked by that branch of the family and I think that it bred some fear of being judged in me."

"People still do that? You know, disapprove of marriages and things? Seems very 1700s-esque."

"Well, Mother's family are extremely old fashioned. All the children are named ridiculous names, go to private schools where they all end up in the same houses, it's very posh."

"At least you didn't end up with too bad of a name, Dora."

"Oh, that's just a short form. I'm really called, get this, _Nymphadora_. Mum was afraid if I didn't get a fancy name like the rest of her family I might be subject to further criticism if I went to the same private school."

Carole was laughing but trying to disguise it, so it seemed that she was choking on the napkin she had over her mouth. "Nymphadora? You're not serious?"

"Oh, I am."

"Well, why did your mother send you to the posh school if she didn't really approve of the way her family operated, not wanting to pry."

"Oh, it's alright. It's just that it's a school for, shall we say "gifted people", and there's only one in England."

"Oh, I see. Arts or sciences? I myself went to a specialty arts school, but I grew up in Belgium."

"Sciences. Right now I'm working as a criminologist."

Carole was about to reply when she saw her watch. "Well, Dora, it's time that we got you ready for this event. Perhaps if we went a little bold an flamboyant, you'd be able to see that attention can be beautiful. Now, to the boutiques!"

"I'm coming Carole," called Tonks as the petite woman paid and strode to her car, her spring jacket blowing open from the light wind.

Some hours later found Tonks back to the hotel where she had booked in for the week until the flat she had rented moved the departing tenants. Imagine her shock when she found one Ginny Weasley waiting on her doorstep, a giant cookbook in hand.

_What is she doing here? I haven't seen her in ages… The party! _ Her old worries returned, but she tried some of Carole's calming breathing and felt it worked. _Well, I've spent enough I can't back out now, so I'll just have to make the best of it._ Fixing a smile on her face that she was definitely not feeling, she opened the door. "Ginny! How good to see you! And how grown up you look these days. Work must be agreeing with you."

_What did you do to yourself?_ Was the first thought that crossed Ginny's mind. Last time she'd seen Tonks, she'd been wearing old jeans with the knees out, orange sneakers, purple socks, a pink shirt that said "Kiss Me. I _Could_ Be Irish.", and had blue hair and green skin to complete the ensemble. The woman before her was hardly recognizable but by the way she almost tripped over herself to hug Ginny. The skirt and sweater, blonde hair and pinky-white skin were so normal that Tonks seemed desperately out of place. And the accent, that thought rather forced sounding had seemed part of Tonks, was gone. _It's_ _kinda scary how much she looks like Narcissa Malfoy,_ thought the eighteen year old. But outwardly she replied, "Gee Tonks, you look great. I just got your reply back and since you wanted to help so much, I thought I'd head over and show you some recipes and ask you to look at the program."

"Sure Ginny," Tonks was mentally stealing herself for a "fun" afternoon. "But why don't you tell me who's coming first." _Please don't let him be there. I'll do anything._

Not noticing anything was wrong, Ginny consulted one of her many lists. "Well, let's see… All the Weasley boys except Fred are coming because his wife, Lydia – I don't think you know her, has her first vacation time in three years that week and they're going away. She's an Unspeakable. Umm… Helena's sister Aitana is coming from Portugal and she's bringing her half brother, Andres. Some of Charlie's school friends are coming, and I think you know all of them, they're mostly your age. A couple of guys from Charlie's dragon handler's union are coming, and Ron invited Harry so he won't be bored."

Tonks breathed a sigh of relief. So _he_ wasn't coming. She'd been afraid he'd be invited as a family friend. "Well Ginny, let's get at this cooking." And the two women entered the kitchen to make food, plans, and conversation.


	3. In Which Misconceptions Occur

_In Which Misconceptions Occur_

_-or-_

_Heart-break at the Ministry!_

Disclaimer: I am making no profit off this story. It is simply for my own enjoyment and I thought I'd share it with the rest of you.

The next few weeks found Tonks far too busy helping Ginny and Ron's on-again off-again girl friend Hermione with Charlie's engagement party to visit her parents and thus she managed to keep her suppressed feelings for a certain male at bay. But this was all to change the day of the party when she ran into the man in question in the middle of the Ministry of Magic employee cafeteria.

bbb

The day began innocently enough, Tonks donning black slacks to go with a pink turtleneck and flats and putting her hair up sensibly in a French braid. She fully expected to spend the day at a desk doing paper work for her previous week on duty as an Auror, but if she was called out in an emergency, it wouldn't do to be stuck in a skirt and heels. _Criminologist, indeed, _she thought, remembering her lunch the weekend prior. _I've__ yet to see a criminologist do this._ And here she removed her wand from between her teeth (_Wouldn't Alastor be _mad. _He'd__ probably tell me some horror story about someone who accidentally blew their own head off…_ _I think I'll just put this down now._) and performed a spell to secure her identification, wand, and other personal effects to her person, as she had a terrible habit of losing them. This finished, she picked up a muffin from a bakery by her building and apparated from an alley to the telephone box entrance to the Ministry of Magic.

Her day had run normally until she decided to stop for lunch. One thing she could say in the Ministry's favour was it's excellent food, due no doubt to it's staff of about seven house elves who not only cooked for the cafeteria, they cleaned areas like the Department of Mysteries where ordinary employees were not free to clean up. House elves were, after all, known for their fanatical loyalty to their masters and their ability to keep secrets.

Tonks sat down at a table in the cafeteria and ordered her food by touching the items she wanted on the menus provided. She sat back to wait for the food to appear. Lost deep in thought, she didn't notice the visitor approaching her table. "Ah, Italian Wedding Soup, mashed potatoes, and cherry cheesecake. Still as eclectic as ever, my girl."

Her head snapped up as her cheeks flamed. Luckily, her "special abilities" allowed her to conceal this. It was _him_. "He-hello, Remus." So many things flashed through her mind while she uttered these simple words of greeting. _How do I look? What's he doing here? He looks bloody great, who cares? Wait, who's that behind him? It's a woman! I..I guess I knew he wasn't here for me. She's pretty, prettier than me. I could look like that… But what's the use?_ Sighing inwardly, she smiled and continued, "How nice to see you." Here she gave him a friendly hug that he returned. It made her wish that they could share embraces of a more intimate variety, but she supposed _those_ belonged to woman beside him.

"You too, Tonks. It was absolutely hell to find you though. I never know exactly what you'll be wearing. Though this is a surprise. Dress pants? What happened to the "Irish" shirt? And your accent, I like the new one too."

Though she thanked him, inwardly her heart fell somewhere into her stomach, splashing around juices and making her dizzy. _He likes me._ "Thanks, Remus. I guess I thought it was time for a change. They're always pressuring us to look more professional, so here I am." Here she spun around like a model, narrowly avoiding tripping over her purse. The woman beside Remus steadied her.

"Oh, thanks, umm…what was your name? I don't think we've met."

The woman laughed, a sound that to Tonks rather jealous ears was like the purest music. Then she extended her hand. "Nice to meet you. I'm Elaine. You must be Nymphadora, though I'm told you prefer Tonks. Remus tells me that you went to school with his brother, Markus."

"Yes, do you know him?"

Here Elaine paused and frowned, looking as though the name meant something distasteful. "Yes, I suppose I do. But I'm staying with Remus right now and I'd rather not think about him while I'm here." At this moment, Tonks' fallen heart went from a state of euphoria to a state of despair. _She's_ living _with him? But, but…why? I wanted, I'd hoped… _Only years of training as an Auror allowed her to keep a cool enough head to avoid bursting into tears as the woman continued. "I know you've already ordered, but we were here anyway, and Remus thought it would be nice to have you along for old time's sake."

Remus leaned close and began to conspiratorially stage whisper. "Tonks, I thought I'd let you be one of the first to know: I got a new job."

Tonks' more mature personal, which she had paid through the nose for, vanished. Squealing with excitement, she forgot her upset about the _other woman_ and launched herself into Remus's arms. "Really! So you now you're not living off your "hard earned savings" and that stint as an actor? Because you know that whole starving artist thing just isn't you…"

Remus chuckled. Tonks had never really been known for being tactful, especially when she was genuinely happy for someone. She tended to blurt the first thing that came to her head, and this was no exception. "No, I don't suppose I make a good starving artist. I'm just genuinely starving. But this job promises to be wonderful. I just had my credentials transferred, and I can start teaching again at the start of the fourth term."

"Transferred? You're leaving England?"

"No, I don't think that they'd ever truly let me leave the country, given my "contagious disease". But I've got a position as a history professor at a Muggle Secondary School."

"No offence Remus, but isn't that somehow worse? You know, letting the," here she lowered her voice, "evil werewolf loose among the unsuspecting defenceless Muggles?"

"Well, they've never been the brightest sorts here, have they? I'm not about to throw away some secure employment, after all, and the curriculum shouldn't be too different than history of magic from school. I figure if I get a new textbook, I'll have some idea of the time period I'm lecturing on."

"Good thing you're not teaching maths, then, since I believe you were too lazy to take Arithmancy," added Elaine, who had grown tired of standing on the sidelines of the conversation.

Suddenly it became very clear to Tonks that this wasn't time for playful banter. Remus had moved on from her. _No,_ she thought bitterly, _that's__ not right. He never even stopped in the first place._ And now he was this woman's, a woman who knew a bloody lot more about his past than she ever would, because he wouldn't let her in to his life. _I'm__ never good enough for anyone, am I?_ she raged, _Not the purebloods, not the Muggles, not the "sensible" people, not_ Remus Lupin! _Well, see if I care. I can get on without him._ And with that, she turned to her visitors and coolly and indifferently announce, "I just remembered that I have to go and clean my house. My boyfriend's coming over tonight."

This unexpected changed in the personality of someone usually so sunny left Remus Lupin staring. He turned to his sister-in-law, Elaine Lupin, who had had a fight with her husband and left him for a while, "What's gotten into her?"

"Oh honestly Remus, you heard that remark she made about her boyfriend. She's probably having relationship trouble."

And little did she know it, but Elaine Lupin had hit the proverbial nail on the head, though not with the man she expected. For it was one Remus Lupin that caused a heartbroken Tonks to cry for hours before heading to the bakery she'd visited that morning to drown her pain in poppy-seed muffins.


	4. In Which Plotting Begins

_In Which Plotting Begins_

            "Ginny!  That's brilliant!  'Severus Snape, Wedding Coordinator'.  You know, we ought to buy him a billboard!"  exclaimed Harry.

            "A what-board?" asked Ron.

            "Never mind.  It's a muggle sign-thing to advertise," explained Hermione.

            "Well, I suppose we should go and see Remus now," Harry's face was torn between excitement and worry.  "I just hope he says he'll do it.  It would be so embarrassing if he said no."

            "I'm sure he'll do it.  He's almost like your father," Ginny said.

            "Well," said Hermione, "Here goes nothing.  Apparate on the count of three.  One…Two…Three!"  At this point, all four apparated to just outside Remus Lupin's house.

            Harry and co. walked up to the door and knocked.  Soon, a tired Remus Lupin answered.

            "Oh, hello Harry, Hermione, Ron, Ginny.  You're so early this morning."

            "Umm…Remus, its eleven o'clock."

            "Is it?  Oh.  I was up late last night doing some work for my new job."

            This was news to the "dream team" and Ginny.  Last they heard, Remus had been living off his savings because no one would hire him.  "Wow!  Where are you working Remus," asked Ginny.

            "Oh, hadn't you heard?  Well, I'm…" he suddenly noticed he was in his pajamas and they were all standing outside.   "Oh, come in and I'll tell you about it."

            A few minutes later after Remus had dressed and made some coffee, they all sat down in his living room to hear his news.  "Well, as you know with my condition…being a werewolf and all…no one in the magical community will hire me.  So, I got a muggle teaching certificate equivalent to mine through some…questionable sources…and am now teaching at a grammar school in London."

            Everyone was impressed.  "But Remus," Harry asked the man who had become like his father, "What do you do about the…full moons?"

            "Oh, that.  Well, I've been saying that I have a non life threatening, non contagious disease that sadly gives me attacks almost every month.  They actually pay my sick leave.  It's quite nice.  But I'm sure you didn't come here to talk about my job.  How can I help you?"

           Everyone looked at Ron, who was responsible for them being there.  Ron began nervously, but soon relaxed.  "Well, Remus, we had a party last night and we noticed that Tonks was feeling really depressed.  We think it's all the stress of her job, you know.  So what we were thinking was to play a really good joke on her to cheer her up."

            "All right, you've caught my attention.  What do you want to do?"

            Ron continued much more confidently than before.  "Well, Harry here saw this TV program where these girls _played a joke_ on their friend by holding a joke wedding for her with _best mate_," here he paused to make his point to his knowledgeable listeners.  "So, because you and Tonks are such good mates, it would be nice if you'd be the groom.  Will you do it for a pal?"

            Remus looked shocked for a moment, then began to chuckle.  "That is one of the best pranks I've heard of.  How could I refuse?  Of course I'll help."

            The famous four exchanged happy smiles, but then Hermione thought of something Tonks had said.  "But Remus, won't you girlfriend be angry?"

            Remus now looked genuinely confused.  "What girlfriend?"

            "But…Tonks said that you had a girlfriend form London that she'd met once or something and that she was living with you."

            Shock now played across the teacher's face.  "Hermione!  Did you really believe I had so few morals as to live with my girlfriend?  Honestly, I'm surprised at you.  And that's not my girlfriend, its my sister-in-law."

            Now it was the teens' turn to be shocked.  "You have a brother?" asked Harry.

            "Yes, didn't you know?  His name is Markus and he's ten years younger than me.  His wife's name is Elaine.  They had a bit of a row and she came to visit for a while to cool off."

            "Oh."

            To bridge the silence, Ron suddenly announced the other prank they were planning.  "Remus, this isn't final yet, but well, when we were thinking this up someone mentioned Snape and Gin had the brilliant idea to make Dumbledore make Snape the wedding co-ordinator because everyone knows Snape hates you and doesn't much like Tonks.  Wouldn't that be funny?"

            Everyone laughed but Hermione who felt the need to point out that Ron had just used a run-on sentence.  

            Some time later, after a light lunch, the foursome left Remus' house to Apparate back to Ron's.  "Well, phase one of this plan is over, phase two to go," announced Harry.  "Ron, that's the best plan ever.  You _should have _been a twin.  Now we've got to convince Tonks, Dumbledore, and Snape.  Then we've got to organize a wedding.  Well, we certainly won't be bored."

           "Actually, if we convince Dumbledore to convince Snape, he'll be organizing the wedding, not us," interrupted Ginny.

            "Well," said Ron, raising his glass of lemonade, "Here's to Severus Snape, Wedding Planner!" 

A/N:  Thank you to my reviewers!!!! Love you all.  And about Remus.  I sort of see him as a very conservative, moral character and so do my characters, so they would find it shocking to think of him living with his girlfriend.  As you can see, he thinks so too.

Cheers, Eolande


	5. In Which Snape Throws A Royal Fit

_In Which Snape Throws a Royal Fit_

_-Or-_

_Apoplexy and Potions can be Deadly_

Disclaimer:  If I were such an original person as to think of this on my own, you'd see me on TV.  Instead, you see me watching TV.

            "Oh Harry!" exclaimed Tonks, shocked.  "I didn't know!  Why can't that bloody man take care of himself?  I should take him jogging.  The pavement's clear now…"

            "Umm, Tonks?" called Hermione, "We know you're worried, I wouldn't be chuffered myself, but it's just that he's a little bored and depressed.  He's not sick."

            Ginny jumped in, "Right, Tonks.  We thought if we played a brilliant joke on him, he'd cheer up…Well, actually, Ron thought of it.  I know you like Remus so this might be rather awkward, but, well…"  Here she trailed off.

            Harry continued.  "We thought we'd hold a fake wedding.  He thinks that it's a joke to cheer _you_ up, but it's actually for him.  We wondered if because you're such good mates you'd play the bride."

            When Hermione noticed Tonks hesitating, she jumped on with the extra incentive.  "And we have another plot to go with it.  We obviously can't do this _plus_ our jobs, so we're going to make Snape do it!  Well, we're going to try.  You see, Snape doesn't really like either of you two and we're making him the party planner.  Dumbledore'll make him do it."

            Tonks wiped tears from her eyes as she got off the floor laughing.  "Sorry Hermione, that sort of ruined your speech, but that whole party Snape thing was too much!  I'm in just for the look on his face!  Say, you shouldn't tell him it's a joke, it would make for more laughs."

            "We hoped you'd say that, so we made these," said Ron as he pulled a slightly rumpled invitation from his jacket pocket.  "There're 500 more at Harry's flat."

            Tonks took the invitation and convulsed back into hysterical laughter.  "This...is...great!"  She managed between hiccups.

            "Yeah, it is pretty great," agreed Ron, glowing with pride.  "We made them up this morning after we talked to R…Richard."

            "Who's Richard?" 

            "Oh, the printer," covered Hermione.  "He made these.  I especially like the little blooming flowers on the front.  And we wrote the inscription."  Here she read the card: __

_You are cordially invited_

_to__ the marriage of_

_Remus__ Lupin_

_and___

_Nymphadora__ Tonks_

_Please RSVP by June 1st_

_To Severus Snape, Wedding Coordinator_

            Later, after leaving Tonks' cottage, the group of twenty-something matchmakers returned to Hermione's flat, which was incidentally built right of her parents' house.  Harry suspected that Hermione's complaining about having to 'live at home' was mostly an act due to the fact they could never reach her at any meal times.

            Today, they only stopped outside Hermione's door to get some books and then proceeded to the main house.  Hermione's parents were waiting.

            "Oh hello, muffins!" said Hermione's mum, running out to meet them.  "Hermione said you'd be by later, but I didn't expect you so early."

            "I'm sorry Mum," apologized Hermione.  "I meant to call, but we got sidetracked.  Were you in the middle of anything?"

            "No, but I'd have made some brownies if I'd known.  How can I help you?"

            "Well Mrs Granger, we'd like some help planning a wedding," said Ron, who was never one to waste words.

            "Yes, it's Tonks.  You remember her, right?  She's got pinkish hair…sometimes.  Anyhoo, she's getting married and wanted us to make the arrangements.  Since Aunt Lilianne got married last year and you helped, I thought you'd know what to do." 

            "Well…do come in. Let's talk about size first.  Is it a public or private wedding?  Will it be in a church or not?  Who'll be the bridal party?  How many guests?..."  Mrs Granger trailed off as she entered the house with an excited Hermione and Ginny and a frazzled Harry and Ron who had only just realised what they were getting themselves into.

            Some two hours later, the group exited **with** a bag of Mrs Granger's brownies and plenty to think about.  However, they were comforted that once _they_ made the decisions _Snape_ would be doing the arrangements…they hoped.  That Dumbledore would refuse did not seem at all pleasant.

            Upon their arrival to Harry's hobby farm, they made the final decisions.

            "Alright," read Ginny from their list, "It will be a church wedding with all the fanfare usual.  Tonks will be resplendent in a white dress that Hermione has chosen from this bridal book.  Bridal party will wear light green.  Hermione, Narcissa Malfoy, Andromeda Tonks, and I will be the bridesmaids.  Andromeda is the Matron of Honour.  The Ushers are Markus Lupin, Harry, Draco, and Lucius Malfoy." here she looked up, "Harry, I know you don't like them but they're Tonk's relatives."  She continued reading.  "Markus will be the Best Man.  Everyone will be invited.  Magic will be kept low so people's Muggle relatives can attend comfortably.  That's pretty well it.  Let's send this to Dumbledore to give to Snape."

            Harry penned a short note.

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

In light of our upcoming nuptials, we are now so busy it boggles our minds.  Due to this, we would like to enlist Remus' old friend Severus Snape to be the wedding coordinator.  We have never met a more proper, well-educated, tasteful man and we feel he would do a wonderful job.  However, due to his temperament, we thought we might ask you to convince him to participate.  

We await your word with much joy,

Tonks and Remus.

PS:  Please send your reply back with the owl.

            "Harry!  That's a lovely note!  But how could you say all those nice things about Snape?"  asked Ginny.

            Harry blushed slightly.  "Well, I had a lot of help.  I got one of those Quik-Quotes Quills.  It really works well.  Makes me sound eloquent, dontcha think?"  This made them all laugh.   

            Ron sent the owl with the note.  "Well," he said, "Now all we can do is wait."

            However, at Hogwarts Castle, things were just getting interesting.  Dumbledore stroked his beard has he read the letter he had received.  He turned to the owl waiting.  "Ah, little friend, I can sense a joke after all my years of teaching and this reeks of it.  However," and here his eyes twinkled and he looked mischievous, "I must accept on Severus' behalf."

            He too penned a short note.

Dear Remus and Tonks,

As the employer of the aforementioned Severus Snape, I hereby accept your proposal on his behalf.  Best wishes of your marriage.  I'm quite sure Severus _will_ comply to your _every_ wish.

Sincerely,

Albus Dumbledore

            He then sent the letter back with the owl as he called the unsuspecting Potions Master to his office.

            It cannot be confirmed for sure, but people across Northern England and Southern Scotland will swear that on that particular day the screams and protests of Severus Snape could be heard clear as crystal and they assume the loud thump was him fainting dead away.


	6. In Which Much Ranting Occurs

_Severus__ Snape's Wedding_

_In Which Much Ranting Occurs_

_-Or-_

_Plots and Things_

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all the entities pertaining to it are the sole property of JK Rowling. There is no point in suing me. I have nothing you could take.

Upon waking from his faint, Severus Snape, Potions Master, was slightly disoriented. It seemed strange to him that he had no recollection of traveling to the infirmary or placing any sort of compress on his head. As he moved his hand to the aforementioned compress, the shock of pain was enough to bring back his memory of that terrible letter and he began to curse Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter, and Remus Lupin frontward, backwards, inside out, and sideways. Thankfully, Dumbledore had had the foresight to remove his wand from his possession and all this cursing just served to make his head sorer. However, this ranting brought a very solicitous Poppy Pomfrey to his side.

This day could not possibly become any worse, he thought to himself.

But he had spoken to soon for said Poppy Pomfrey soon returned to his bedside with a spoon and a large bottle. It seemed the Potions Master would be forced to swallow one of the Pepper-Up Potions that he had been lately brewing with a vile flavour to annoy the students. He almost thought suicide would be the best way out of this day, but decided he couldn't give Potter the satisfaction. Sighing, he rose from the bed and prepared his bruised and battered body for another verbal barrage from the plucky little nurse.

"Now Severus Snape! Return to that bed immediately or I will get the Headmaster and he will not be as nice as I am about it. It's high time someone used a leg-locker curse on you. You're far too full of yourself and mean and antisocial." She glared at him like she had forcibly hit him and was pleased with the damage.

Her pluck never ceases to amaze me, he thought to himself. Not many speak up to the sharp-tongued Professor Snape. He inwardly sighed and replied to the huffing school nurse, "My dear Poppy, do shut up. You're making my headache worse."

He smirked to himself at the immediate look of remorse on her face and the faint blush that tinged her cheeks. He had that effect on women. They simultaneously wanted to scold him and reform him while they looked up to him like an aloof demi-god. He couldn't figure out why. It wasn't his looks and certainly not his manners. He thought it must be for the same reason the _children_ (here he sneered) adored those terrible actors and painful-sounding singers: they were different and foreign, even if you thought you knew a lot about them. Oh well, there was no time to analyse these insane women, he had to get out of this infirmary had slaughter a few people, namely Albus Dumbledore, then Harry Potter and his groupies….

Everyone knew that when Severus Snape was stalking down the hallway, it was best for your health to get out of his way. Even when said potions master wore only a hospital gown, a cape, and slippers with a cloth compress wrapped around his head.

"Oh wonderful," murmured a young third year, "He's finally cracked!"

"Don't speak too soon," her older friend counseled, "Even if he is wearing white fuzzy slippers, he's no one to be trifled with!"

As soon as Severus Snape reached the door to Dumbledore's office, he mentally steeled himself for the most condescending bribery he would ever have to hear, barked out the password and stormed in. "No tea and no candy!" he cut Dumbledore off before the man even had a chance to utter a word.

"Why Severus, I do believe that in addition to being an Occlumens, you are also a Ligilimens! What wonderful news! I must inform the Order!"

Why me, he inwardly groaned. "Dumbledore, about this Potter wedding…Are you out of your mind? For if you think I will go so far as to order flowers and match doilies for Potter, Lupin, and their cronies you are sadly mistaken!"

Dumbledore simply pulled out a quill and jotted something down, making no notice of the venom lacing his teacher's voice. "Doilies! What a splendid idea! I knew you had it in you, my dear Severus. That fall must have triggered your creative side…as well as your eccentricity! What a lovely outfit and such a change from your normal black. I do think it will go over well with the students."

Suddenly, Snape became aware of his clothing, and proved even he had some emotion, for he had the good grace to look ashamed.

"You'll never believe this!" hollered Hermione from Harry's flat's kitchen.

"What is it Hermione?" Harry called from his bathroom, his distorted voice suggesting he was brushing his teeth.

"Dumbledore wrote. It seems Snape was so shocked 'bout this wedding we put him up to that he keeled right over in Dumbledore's office and he's been in the Infirmary all night!"

There was a choked laugh and loud gagging in the bathroom that confirmed the tooth brushing theory. "Are you dead straight?"

"Oh yes," Hermione herself was struggling to keep a straight face. "I mean, who would've thought the terrible Professor Snape was so afraid of flowers… and cakes…"

Here Harry emerged and continued, tears trickling down his face with laughter, "And what about _bridesmaid's dresses_ and _wedding rings_! And caterers! Oh my… and… and… oh, this is painfully funny… what if he has to arrange a _bachelor party_! Can you see that? Snape skipping around in a frock coat asking everyone if they're drunk enough?"

Here the two friends collapsed laughing at the kitchen table. But little did they know of the scene being played out at Hogwarts Castle…

"I refuse! I bloody refuse for the twentieth bloody time!" Severus Snape had unwisely been given his wand by Albus Dumbledore so he could put on some more suitable clothes. Now, attired in his usual black robes, he was systematically blasting the strange things that adorned Dumbledore's office faster than Dumbledore could _Reparo_ them.

"Now Severus, I've already given Harry and Remus your word that they will help with the upcoming nuptials and you can't back out now! They're counting on you!"

This was a new tactic. All else had been bribes of "consideration" for the Defense Against the Dark Arts position the next time it became available. Severus Snape thought he had at last discovered a loophole. "Alright Albus, that is what they _say_, but given our past history, why should they actually desire my help? They're more likely to plot my death! Why should I walk right in to their little scheme?"

"So, if it can be proven that this idea is legitimate you'll assist them."

"Most certainly. The whole idea is a sham. First of all, the idea of actually being named Nymphadora is slim to none and Remus Lupin actually getting married is even lower! The man's so afraid that he's a terrible menace to society, which in my opinion he is, he's probably never been on a date!" Something about the sudden grin flashing across Dumbledore's face unnerved him. It seemed as though this entire conversation had been a cleverly constructed plot to trap him into willingly assisting in this madness. Then suddenly he remembered a student he'd had some thirteen or fourteen years ago when he'd still been a fairly new teacher. "Oh…you can't mean…Not… _Nymphadora_ _Tonks__!"_

"Exactly! And, now that one of your impossibilities has been proven, might the other not also be true?"

He gritted his teeth. His head was about ready to explode. "Alright then Albus, find out if it's true."

His heart was pounding as Albus approached the fireplace Floo network. He'd seen and done a lot of things in his life, but the prospect of planning a _wedding_ caused his blood to run cold.

However, oblivious to all the mirth and anger, Nymphadora Tonks sat lonely in her flat, wondering how she could ever have agreed to pretend the kind of happiness she had always searched for with precisely the man she loved. She sighed, feeling in her heart that he only saw her as a friend and she was some seven or eight years his junior. _Besides, _she thought miserably,_ Remus is so serious and scholarly. There is no way _I'm_ his perfect woman_. She sadly turned away from her window and back to her book. _Maybe,_ she thought, _Maybe__ if I just pretend it's real…that this whole joke is the truth…Maybe… _

But little did she know that there were other hearts that night just as lonely as she, and that some of these hearts were soon to cross her path…


	7. In Which the Lonely Come Together

_Severus__ Snape's Wedding_

_In Which The Lonely Come Together_

_-Or-_

_Group Therapy_

Disclaimer: Well, if you haven't guessed by now, I guess I'll tell you the sad truth: Harry Potter and all his compatriots do not belong to me!

Author's Note: I'd first of all like to thank all those of you who have stayed with me through my sporadic writing and to all those of you who have been so encouraging! But I'd also like to draw your attention to something you may not have noticed: My writing has undergone a change as I realised that I didn't want to write a gentle parody or a humour story. I'm just to serious for that. So, while there will be humour, that genre has changed to general / romance because this is a _story_ not a comedy routine. Thanks!

Tonks rose from her window extremely discouraged. She hadn't been completely sober at that Weasley party and as such had let her greatest secret slip: She was in love with Remus Lupin. She knew that she, at 28, was at least a decade younger than he was and that he'd never seen her as anything but a friend, a younger friend. She knew that he was a werewolf: Everyone knew thanks to Severus Snape's spiteful "slip" and Rita Skeeter's tactless blathering. But she didn't care. She wasn't what people, even wizarding people, called "normal" either.

She walked into her kitchen and began to boil some water. She would make a cup of tea. Then she would go to bed until she woke the next morning, ready to work. She remembered a time several years earlier when she had been young and full of energy and everything had made her laugh. It wasn't so anymore. It hadn't been since the year she had brought Harry Potter away from his "home" on Privet Drive when he was only 15 or 16 years old. _I was only twenty-four then,_ she mused to herself. In the training that they had taken before the mission she had met Remus Lupin and her world had changed forever.

He had remembered her because she had been a year younger than his brother Markus. He had said "With a name like Nymphadora, you aren't easy to forget." She had always treasured his words though she had feigned anger at the use of her hated first name.

"Why am I alone?" She wondered aloud. It wasn't as though she was ugly – she could be anything she wanted but even in her natural form she still possessed the graceful, lithe form and impressive carriage so common to the entire Black family. It wasn't from seclusion either. She had been quite the flirt during her Hogwarts days and throughout her early twenties she had switched boyfriends as often as she changed her hair colour. But ever since Remus Lupin had walked into her life it hadn't been the same. No, she rephrased that. Ever since she had run into the training session late, having just apparated near 12 Grimmauld Place and was trying to tie back her hair and put on her shoe and had run straight into the quiet, reserved man who was sitting by the door. That was when her life had changed. He had helped her up and she had asked if he was Markus's brother, seeing a resemblance between them. And he had laughingly agreed and commented that she must be Nymphadora Tonks because no one else could ever match the stories he'd heard from his brother. She had agreed, blushing, that the stories he'd heard about her boisterous personality were true and he'd offered her a seat beside him. She'd been smitten ever since with the way he held himself, his sense of humour that he kept just below the surface (He hadn't been a Marauder for nothing!), the way he could be serious about something she was interested in. But she had never had the courage to try and move past being friends.

Sighing dejectedly, Tonks finished her tea and went to bed, dreaming of a man that she loved but could never approach.

An owl flew up to the window of Markus and Elaine Lupin's house in Durham, England where it was promptly relieved of its burden, given a treat and sent on its way. This unpromising start would soon reveal a most marvelous event…

"Markus!" called Elaine from her kitchen where she was reading a Muggle newspaper and drinking a cup of tea, "There's a letter here from Remus!"

"Coming, hun!" called Markus from the upstairs bathroom where he was washing his hair. "I'm just getting out of the shower."

He soon came down the stairs in his dressing gown, toweling of his hair. At age twenty-eight, he resembled his older brother a lot, but his face was not as careworn and his clothing not as shabby. Life had dealt much more kindly with Markus than his brother, sparing him the curse of lycanthropy, the shunning of the magical world, the reign of Voldemort and the pain of James and Lily Potter's deaths. But he was still much like Remus, in his studiousness and his sense of humour, the two things that had attracted his wife of three years, who now called him to the mail.

"Here you go, dear. The owl just left. I wonder what it could be? We just heard from him Monday about his new job… Well open it!"

Markus did so, quickly reading the attached note and turning to the card felt himself reach for the table to steady himself. "You are not going to believe this," he turned to his wife in shock. "It's a _wedding invitation_!"

"What! For Remus? He's getting married? Let me see that letter." He handed it to her. She read:

"Markus and Elaine:

Well, this may come as a surprise to you, but I'm finally getting married. Her name is Nymphadora Tonks, no doubt you remember her from school, and I've never met anyone that I've cared more about. We realise that this is rather short notice but our wedding planner, Severus Snape, assures us that five months is plenty of time to get ready for a wedding. Markus, I'd be honored if you'd be my Best Man, as Sirius and James are no longer with us. I'm thinking of you and I hope you aren't still fighting over remodeling the kitchen, as I'm too busy to play Elaine's agony aunt again.

Your brother,

Remus"

Shocked silence lingered a moment in the Lupin kitchen until Elaine recovered enough to ask, "What sort of name is Nymphadora?"

Mornings at the Malfoy house were usually quiet because Narcissa liked them that way. Coming from a family of older sisters and having a cousin like Sirius, it had been seldom her house was quiet. Now that she was older and married with only one child, her morning silence was still bliss. But this particular morning was going to be interrupted.

As she, Lucius, and Draco sat to breakfast, an excited house elf entered with a letter. "Please, Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy, masters, there is a letter come from your niece, Miss Tonks! I is knowing that she is not writing often and I is thinking you should see letter as it is big and heavy!"

"Thank you, Moxy," said Lucius, taking the letter, "You may go now." The house elf scurried off to the kitchens. "Well Narcissa, it's not often your niece writes. I wonder what it could be?"

Narcissa accepted the letter from her spouse, lightly squeezing his hand as she did so. No matter what he had been accused of, she still loved her husband. But before she allowed her mind to wander she turned back to the matter at hand: Nymphadora's letter. It wasn't often that she wrote, usually only on someone's birthday. And the size of the parcel seemed quite unusual. She opened the letter and began to read:

"Dear Uncle Lucius, Aunt Narcissa, and Draco:

This may seem a strange letter and an even stranger request, but I hope you'll bear with me. You see, I'm getting married in July to Remus Lupin, a man I have been in love with for some time. I'm sure that Draco will remember my fiancé from the days when he taught school at Hogwarts. Even now, he is still teaching, though at a grammar school in Muggle London. I know this is sudden and the betrothal time short, but we are assured by our wedding planner, your old friend Severus Snape, that five months is plenty of time to arrange a wedding. We hope to be married in mid-July and I hope that you will not only attend my special day but participate. I would ask that Aunt Narcissa be one of my bridesmaids and that Uncle Lucius and Draco some of the groomsmen. I know that Remus is not one of your favourite people, but I hope you can accept his as a member of the family and show him the same affection you show me.

With much love,

Nymphadora."

Lucius was the first to recover his tongue. "Is she serious?"

"It seems so," said Narcissa, slightly dazed. "Here's the wedding invitation."

"Let me see it," said Draco. "Is Professor Snape really going to arrange the wedding? Are we going to attend?"

"Of course we are. She's still your cousin and I for one would be proud to be part of her wedding," said Narcissa, full of the famous Black family pride. "Lucius?"

The usually imposing man just smiled. He always loved a wedding.

_Harry Potter is extremely smug,_ decided Hermione Granger as she surveyed her friend finishing mailing the invitations. _Those letters to the families were quite the piece of work. I never would have thought he was that literary. But I suppose that he has a right, this plan is going off without a hitch. He even got Remus and Tonks to_ sign _those letters. I can't wait until this evening! We have our first consultation with Professor Snape._

But as excited as Hermione was, Severus Snape was seriously contemplating suicide to escape the night's "festivities." He couldn't remember the last wedding he'd attended, for Merlin's sake, so how was he supposed to plan one? He mentally added slow burning to the list of possible deaths he'd like to inflict on both Potter and Dumbledore. This list also included disembowelment, drawing and quartering, boiling alive, and being pecked to death by chickens. He sat down and reviewed the list he'd composed for the evening consultation with Hermione Granger, Narcissa Malfoy, and the lucky bride herself. These women decided they would "advise" him on the "female aspects of a wedding that you, as a man, obviously do not understand." Well, if giggling and blushing and trying lacy dresses meant being a female, he was very glad he wasn't one.

He was glad of the etiquette book Mme. Pince had helped him to locate or he would have had no inkling of what to write. He picked his list off his desk and read:

_For the foolishness known as the "Lupin – Tonks" wedding, I Severus Snape hereby propose the following things be done:_

· _The bride shall sport a tasteful, long white gown. (Unless her moral behaviour makes it impossible for her to do so and in which case she shall wear off-white.) Said gown shall have long sleeves, a high neck, and the material shall be muslin, in keeping with the summer season. Her shoes shall be of such a height that she is exactly four inches shorter than her intended. The flowers she will carry will be a tasteful shade of yellow with white accents._

· _The groom and all his attendants will wear the same three piece suit with the groom wearing a larger corsage composed of flowers from the bride's bouquet and possibly a cummerbund. _

· _There will be a religious ceremony following the doctrine the woman practices. Should she not practice any, they will be married in the groom's faith. There will be no photographers, singers, or motivational speakers present at the ceremony. There must be at least three bridesmaids and one maid of honour. There shall be the same number of groomsmen as there and bridesmaids and there must be a best man._

· _Children under the age of twelve will not be admitted. _

· _There will be a reception to follow where a traditional orchestra will provide the music. The first dance must be a waltz. _

· _There will be a catered four-course meal prior to the dance. _

· _All parties must leave by eleven in the evening._

· _Intoxicated persons will not be allowed to remain._

· _The bride's mother will pick out her lingerie for the couple's wedding night._

· _The honeymoon will take place in __France__. Most probably __Normandy_

Satisfied that he had covered all the problems that might occur and all questions that might be asked, he sat down in a receiving room on the castle's main floor to await his guests. But, just as he heard them approaching in the corridor he thought of one thing he had forgotten. The ring!

Author's Note Two: I just have a small request. If you review this story, please instead of putting "I like this! It's funny!" please tell me what you think of the characterization, the realism, if anyone is too out of character. These things could very much help me improve this tale. -Eolande


	8. In Which Severus Snape Is Confronted Wit...

_Severus Snape's Wedding_

_In Which Severus Snape Is Confronted With A Sad Truth_

_-Or-_

_The Joys of Masculinity_

Author's Note: I would very much like to thank my reviewers, especially those who commented on my characterization. I would like to say that there is a reason behind the Malfoy's strange behaviour and that it has nothing to do with Death Eaters. Also, I would like to thank the reviewer who commented on Remus Lupin's brother Markus. (I have a friend by that name and I've always liked the name.) Honestly, no matter how old fashioned the wizarding world appears, I draw the line at Romulus and Remus. I thought that there was no reason Remus had to be an only child, just that any sibling would have to be much younger than he was. In my family, my Dad's oldest brother is eighteen years older than he is, so ten years did not seem such a stretch.

Narcissa Malfoy was a devious woman. She had had to be, coming from the Black family. All throughout her childhood she had been greeted with one practical joke after another from her cousin Sirius and the subtle tricks and digs of her sister Bellatrix. It had been fight back or be stepped on. Only with her sister Andromeda had she found any sense of security or mothering. But children grow up and Andromeda had dishonoured the family by taking up with a Muggle. Not even the love she bore Andromeda could overcome the stigma attached to the disastrous marriage and she had shunned her sister with the rest of them.

_Why then,_ she pondered; regarding the younger Andromeda she saw in Tonks, _do I feel so guilty?_ _It isn't as though I owe the girl anything. She doesn't really like me. She writes out of courtesy on my birthday and that's about it. I see her a handful of times a year at Ministry functions. She has the breeding and manners of a pig. Why do I care? Why am I here for her wedding? _She looked up ahead and saw her young niece laugh at a joke that Hermione Granger had told, a laugh so like Andromeda's. Suddenly the answer came to her. _I may not approve of her. I may not even like her. But she's still family, she's still a Black. And the Blacks stick together. Our pride won't have it any other way._ And with this startling revelation she entered Severus Snape's makeshift office to prepare the greatest spectacle the magical community had seen in ages. No family of hers would have anything but the best.

bbbbb

Severus Snape continued to revise his "Ways to Die" list. He had now added choking on the ring he had neglected to provide. _Yes, that's just lovely,_ he inwardly scolded. _First Dumbledore connives me into this affair, probably with Potters' help, and now here comes the bride's estranged Death Eater-turned-Imperioed-heroine aunt, a young woman who still haunts my dreams with memories of her severe "Pick me, I know" syndrome, and the lucky, "blushing bride" to be. Thought, I suppose she blushes a lot after she trips over some miniscule piece of furniture or butchers the English language in that ridiculous accent, or strolls in with pink hair and Muggle hippie-like clothes. And now I've forgotten a ring. It would be Narcissa Black Malfoy too. The woman is THE etiquette. She'll flay me alive. But at least I'll never see Potter again, with his smug face and preposterous scar… _

But his ponderings were cut short as there was a knock at the door. "Professor? Are, are you there?" asked a soft female voice and for a moment Severus was shocked that any of the three incarnations of evil that he knew were coming to his door could speak in such a feminine tone. He left his desk, shaking out his robes, black as usual, and strode to the door, the painful headache brewing behind his temples beginning to pulsate. He decided that Narcissa must have taken some kind of tranquilizer to be able to sound quite so pleasant.

As he opened the door, he stared up down at a witch he didn't recognize. Dressed in a wine coloured knee-length skirt and black jacket, she appeared very poised and slender. She was tall enough to be a Black, blonde like Narcissa, but there the resemblance stopped. Where Narcissa's face was pinched and worn with age, conceit and deception, this woman was obviously still young enough to be yet unknown to the horrors life could inflict. She wasn't conventionally pretty, but she had the presence of a poet: mysterious and tragic. He realised he was staring, trying to figure out who she was, what Black illegitimate she might be (possibly Sirius', who had been quite the rake in his youth) when he recovered his manners. "Please, do come inside miss."

"Thank you Professor," the young woman smiled and sat in the neatest chair, not waiting for her companions to enter.

Snape next welcomed two women he knew all too well: the Granger girl and Narcissa. Neither had changed from when he saw then last, Granger still as frizzy and Narcissa as cold, though he thought that as she entered he detected a speck of kindness in her eyes, though perhaps he had only imagined it. The woman was, as usual impeccably attired in a deep blue dress that accented her blonde hair and pale skin while Granger could be best described as frizzy and frumpy. He doubted that the girl could get a brush through that hair, and the ratty jeans were stark contrast to Narcissa's elegance. But no matter their appearance, they were still both harpies had he steeled himself for the confrontation that would surely follow. _Thankfully, the bumbling freak isn't hear yet,_ he thought before he began. "Ladies, welcome, I suppose all we need is the bride." He stood confused when no laughter was elicited from the group.

"Professor," began Granger in that lecturing tone that only she could condescend in so well, "Tonks is here already."

Snape's eyes flew to the unfamiliar woman in the chair by the desk. The young woman, no, he corrected himself, the walking time bomb, did blush. However, he noted that the absence of pink hair reduced the absurdity of the red flush. The girl looked almost normal for the first time in her short life.

Tonks noticed his disbelieving stare and blushed. So many of her friends and colleagues hadn't adjusted well to the change in her, though none had been quite so obvious than one Severus Snape. _I suppose that if I weren't me, I'd think I was odd too_. No one would believe the amount of work she put into her new persona, her true persona. Most people simply assumed that she'd become bored with the bright adolescence of her former self and simply changed faces. But it wasn't so. This was the real Nymphadora, free from all enchantments, older and more mature looking, but still not the woman _he_ wanted. She'd been sure that her efforts would pay off. She'd snuck off to a Muggle speech therapist Merlin knew how may times to get rid of the slangy accent that in all her changes she couldn't shake. She'd gone to makeup artists, fashion consultants, anything to make him see her as more than his kid brother's friend. But he'd simply shaken his head and said, "Tonks, is that really you? In a skirt?" She supposed it was hopeless, and this sham of a wedding only served to reinforce her sorrow over something she would never have: happiness with the man she adored. She couldn't count the number of times she's cursed herself for attending that stupid party of the Weasleys and letting herself drink to forget _him_ for an evening. She wished she hadn't been so kind-hearted as to agree to this farce, in the name of helping _him_. But the time for all regrets was gone, for one Severus Snape was in her face with a long list, waiting for her attention.

"Miss Tonks, if I could _so kindly_ have your attention, would you mind reviewing this itinerary I have composed for your "joyous" upcoming nuptials?"

"Oh, I'm sorry Professor. I was just thinking. May I please see the list." Snape handed it to her, all the while marvelling at her sudden manners. But his opinion was soon to change for as soon as she began to read the list, her mouth opened into an unladylike gape and she began to sputter indignantly. "The bride will "sport" a long white what? And what do you mean if her moral behaviour allows it? And don't open your mouth, mister, I know exactly what you're about to bloody well say! Aunt Narcissa, can you believe it, he's calling me a whore or a slut or something! What's that any of his business?"

"Let me see that, Nymphadora," Narcissa Malfoy was outraged. No family of hers would have such an unfavourable light cast on them. "I cannot believe this, Severus! That was not called for. And Nymphadora would look terrible with yellow flowers, she's blonde!"

Hermione, who was quietly observing the entire confrontation, thought it rather strange that Mrs. Malfoy was more upset about the flowers than the slur on her niece's moral character by someone who had no business intruding. But seeing Snape on the receiving end of someone else's ire was refreshing and she sat back to watch the show play out.

"Are you implying that either the Blacks or the Malfoys are _poor_ Severus? Don't even deny it! Muslin, I tell you. That's for paupers. And what business do you have discussing Nymphadora's lingerie? That is the crudest thing I have ever heard you discuss about any former student and if you and Lucius weren't old friends, I'd be at the Headmaster to remove your job!" The woman simply took in Snape's glare and returned it with one even more forceful, fuelled by both righteous indignation and much practice. But before Snape had a chance to defend himself, she continued. "And Normandy! The weather is terrible in Normandy. Send them to Spain at least. And," here she silently scoured the list, "I see there is no mention of a ring. You forgot didn't you, Severus. How can we place any confidence in you if you can't remember something so simple? Poor dear Nymphadora, I'm sure you can use the set your mother didn't use at her own wedding. And do look Severus, poor Miss Granger is so heartbroken by your lack of foresight she's in tears!" In reality, Hermione was silently laughing into the arm of her chair. Narcissa Malfoy made Snape seem kind when angry. She didn't have his scathing wit, but she had presence, condescension and _lots_ of volume.

Snape took advantage of the break in Narcissa's diatribe to plead his case. "Mrs. Malfoy," he began, hoping that his formality would help soothe her offended pride, "I humbly apologize for any inconvenience I have caused you and your niece, but, as you know, I am a bachelor and, with no siblings, have never been involved in planning a wedding." He turned to glare at the ever-irritating Miss Granger who was obviously far from crying, but was laughing at his expense. "Perhaps, the dear Miss Granger could assist me in my plans, as she seems to know what she's doing, being a member of the bridal party and a friend of the bride's." He smirked to himself upon viewing the immediate snap of Miss Granger's head and her open-mouthed shock. Thankfully, Narcissa was still too incensed to view his true motivation and took the opportunity to capitalize on some proper help for Severus' obvious fiasco-to-be.

"Severus Snape, I do believe that is the first sensible idea you have ever had because it is obvious that you are far less suited to this job than Miss Granger and you are desperately in need of a female perspective. Muslin, indeed…" Snape enjoyed the motions of "no" Miss Granger was making, that were ignored by Narcissa. "Well Severus, now that that's settled, we shall leave you and Miss Granger to your work. Do let us know how it's going and what you will need, my dear," she said quite kindly to Miss Granger before giving a final glare to Snape. "Come Nymphadora, they need time to work." And with that, she strode out of the room, her dress swirling behind her. Tonks followed helplessly, shooting Hermione a sympathetic glance before she too exited, managing a graceful exit as she avoided the door-side table that Snape was sure she would trip over, no matter how well dressed she was.

But now, he and Miss Granger were left alone and he wondered if he'd be able to refrain from strangling her with her own hair. He sat in silence, simply regarding the girl in the chair opposite him. _Severus, get a hold of yourself. You'll survive this, you survived her for seven years, what's a few more months?_ But try as he might, this didn't reassure him at all. He noticed that as the first ten minutes slowly passed, she was observing him as warily as he was her, and wondered how they'd get anything done if neither could find their tongue to start. He had just decided to make the first move when the Granger girl surprised him by standing and plunking down on the edge of his desk. He was about to protest her strange behaviour when she tore the list in his hands in four pieces, handed him a quill and said, "Write." He knew now that he was in for many, many months of hell.

A/N: Please review. I enjoy your perspective on my characters and plot direction.


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